In a previous posting entitled "An Open Letter To The Teenie Bombers", I explained my view of why "kewl bom dudz" get no respect on rec.pyrotechnics. I suggested that there were alternatives that might reach your goals with less danger than making bombs in the basement or garage.

This posting attempts to figure out what you really want to accomplish and proposes somewhat safer alternatives. Note that nothing is absolutely safe, and some of the alternatives may still be illegal, but these are just ideas to help you realize that you don't have to kill somebody just because they pissed you off.

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IF YOU WANT to make ammonium triiodide.

BECAUSE it might make a good prank to play on somebody.

BE AWARE THAT explosions make poor gags, and this particular compound is incredibly unstable. It is likely to go off before you can use it on anybody.

CONSIDER balloons filled with water or shaving cream. OK, it is low tech, but safer for all involved.

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IF YOU WANT to make Armstrong's mixture.

BECAUSE being a hot pyro will gain you status.

BE AWARE THAT anything containing phosphorus will explode while you are mixing it. Ask Donald Sisco, who wrote The Poor Man's James Bond under the pen name Kurt Saxon.

CONSIDER learning how to make a pretty fountain or gerb. "Your fountain lasted longer than the one we paid $3 for at the fireworks stand!"

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IF YOU WANT to make a pipe bomb.

BECAUSE you want a big bang.

BE AWARE THAT a pipe bomb is incredibly dangerous to you and anybody nearby. The FBI and ATF will investigate and you may go to federal prison for a long time.

CONSIDER learning how to get a big bang out of safer materials, such as paper, glue, and cardboard. Probably still illegal, but if you are discreet and nobody gets hurt, you may get away with it.

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IF YOU WANT to make a dust explosion.

BECAUSE you crave excitement.

BE AWARE THAT explosions are dangerous and attract unwanted attention.

CONSIDER making a potato cannon. The feds don't mind, but some localities do. Go down to the park or ball field with your buddies when nobody else is around.

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IF YOU WANT to torch the principal's car.

BECAUSE you are sick and tired of school.

BE AWARE THAT arson is a serious crime and you will go to jail.

CONSIDER putting his car up on blocks and removing the tires. Put them in his office for safe keeping. I'm sure that somebody could find a law that you are breaking, but most people will just write it off as a kids' prank. Which is exactly what this is.

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IF YOU WANT to poison a teacher with blowfish toxin [or rat poison in her Gatorade].

BECAUSE she flunked you or is just too stern.

BE AWARE THAT this will be prosecuted as "attempted murder" or "murder", depending on how successful you are.

CONSIDER hitting him in the face with a cream pie. You might become a hero. You might be prosecuted as assault, but will probably just slide if the guy has any sense of humor.

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Get the point? You can have fun, get revenge, gain status, and pull pranks, all _without_ endangering your life or hurting somebody else.

But if you insist on getting your power and glory through pyrotechnics, here is a real challenge for you: make a fountain that sprays fire in red, then yellow, then green, then blue (let us say 15 seconds each). Each color must be pure and distinct, with the transitions managed in an aesthetic fashion.

This is not as easy as it sounds. What chemicals can be used to get each color? What must be mixed with them to get the desired effect? What chemicals are safe to mix with each other and which are not? How do you keep from accidentally mixing incompatible chemicals while weighing, measuring, and grinding? What safety equipment must you use, and how do you use it? How do you guard against sparks from static electricity? How do you safely dispose of waste material? What do you do with duds? There are many more factors to consider, and if you don't - that's when people get hurt!

Your comments, posted or via E-mail, are welcome.

- Dennis Griesser